I often help clients to transform their people pleasing part. I call it a part because it’s never the fullness of who they are. Nevertheless, that part causes problems in certain situations.

What is a people pleasing part?

The people pleaser is a part of your psyche that likes validation, praise and acceptance. It’s a part that likes to keep the peace and prefers to avoid conflict. It might have worked well for you in childhood, within your family or class at school. At least, it may have kept you out of trouble. But, somewhere along the line you realised that being accommodating often lead to you being taken advantage of.

When people pleasing becomes problematic

So called people pleasers are often empathic, service oriented individuals. The trait can be used well when it’s used to give great service in your business. Attuning to client needs so they receive the product or transformation they want and need is essential for repeat business, good testimonials and successful outcomes.

The problems arise when you do something to please someone that compromises you in some way. In that case you are creating a win/lose situation, with yourself as the loser.

An example would be discounting a product or service to the extent of feeling resentful or generating a loss. Another example might be saying yes to requests that overload you or require you to work hours that lead to sacrificing family time or self care time.

When people pleasing leads to burnout or to you making sacrifices that don’t actually work for you and cause you to feel resentful, used or undervalued, you have a problem to resolve.

The resolution comes through the process of empowerment.

From people pleaser to empowered self mastery

I sometimes talk about this transformation as being from slave to empress/emperor. In other words, you need to improve the management of your realm. You get to control your own life. Others don’t. Of course, there will always be pushy and entitled people around. But, you don’t have to pay their game (when the only part they are offering you is slave!)

Sometimes empowerment is being clear on your own limits and where to lay down your boundaries. Sometimes empowerment is working with those parts that feel undeserving or not entitled to say no. Sometimes empowerment is rethinking something you’ve said yes to and changing your mind.

You can say “I’ve been thinking about what I agreed/offered the other day. I’ve realised it won’t work for me. I’m sorry….”

Why people pleasing is challenging to resolve

The above is often easier said than done. When I look back at my younger self and the experiences of clients on a journey of empowerment and self mastery, it’s not that I, or they, wanted to say yes to something that later turned out to be a mistake. What happens is old triggers and beliefs maintain people pleasing behaviours. Points of view such as: “I need to help them out of this mess”. “I’m being unreasonable/selfish/difficult if I say no.” “Their need is greater than mine.” “I don’t want to let them down.” “They can’t do it as well as I can.”

How I work with people pleasing clients

I have the tools and the understanding because it’s a path I’ve walked. I know the energetic charge that maintains those people pleasing points of view plus associated emotions such as anxiety or fear, must be dissolved. You want to feel assured and comfortable when you let someone down who has an expectation of you. You are going to disappoint them. Remaining true to yourself must be more important to you than fear of disappointing another.

When you respond in an empowered way to do what’s right for you, see it as doing something for yourself, rather than against another.

I have developed my own Energetics Coaching Method, which contains tools for emotional transformation and for dissolution of limiting beliefs. This is available to you in all coaching options.

You can learn more about coaching with me on this page. For those who want to work specifically on relational issues, I have a Relational Mastery page.

It’s time to up level those slave parts! I’d love to help.